Infinite Melancholy

I'm sad. I'm sad because I think for the first time my shyness conclusively shot me in the foot. It hurts really bad. I'm mad at myself. I need to change the ways of my heart. I know the kind of mindset I need to be in but I don't know how to trick myself into being that new person.

How do you make youself go from wanting a relationship to just wanting sex?
How do you go from wanting to love women to wanting to love and leave them?
How do you go from imediately thinking "this might be the one" to thinking "this is the one at the moment?"
How do you go from a one-at-a-time mentality to a buffet-restaurant kind of mentality?

Mostly I need to not be afraid to overtly flirt with women. It's just that for so long I've wanted to be the non-typical guy. Women get hit on so much that they get tired of guys just wanting them for sex. They like it when I guy isn't trying right away to get into their pants. But my mistake is that I chose platonic-friend mode. I need to chose flirty-but-opting-to-progess-things-slowly mode.

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I'm a juror. The trial is tomorrow and they said it should only take one day to get through it although it may spill over into Tuesday as well. When the trial is over I can talk about it. But I can't say anything about it right now.

I got my attendance bonus so I think I will buy a road bike next weekend. I've decided to hold off on purchasing a messenger bag. I've got a bag a nice bag at the moment, albeit a falling apart one. But if I was able to find such a bag for only $3 at the Brown Elephant, then it surmises that I can find another perfectly functioning mag at a thift store. That way I can save my money.

Air tickets to Ireland are pretty expensive. I knew they would be but I was think maybe around $400. Most I found online are around $615. I need to rethink if I want to go there over Memorial Day week. Maybe I should push it toward the end of summer, around Labor Day week? Especially if I want to be able to afford the LA Improv Festival in June and Montana in July.