_____the pain away

I'm 30 now. My birthday was yesterday and it was spent relaxing, otherwise known as what I normally do on a Sunday.

Friday Rattlesnake had a show and it was a good one. This new opening that we're playing with really frees us up to be creative and inspired. There's so much information created with such great mental images that recalling info to use for a scene is easy for me, which is something I've always had a problem with. I got to do a really great scene with Katy as this '70s couple who were getting ready for bed on a hot and sweaty summer night. Johnny Roast Beef were short people and needed one sit-in. Because it was my birthday weekend, the Snakes chose me to be the one from our team to sit-in with them. After the Dream I was pushed to remain on stage and while we were getting the suggestion for the show it suddenly hit me that I had no idea what type of opening they were going to do. Were they working on something specific? My senses became heightened and I was immediately keyed into what everyone else was doing on stage. I was a great frame of mind to be on stage and it lent itself well. The Roast Beef show was a good one and I had some really fun scenes with them. Particularly a scene with Piero where we were kids at camp talking to eachother from our bunk beds.

I posted my birthday hangout plans on a couple of sites but didn't really make plans to arrive to places with people. As such, both nights the first 30 minutes at my hangout locations were very lonley. I got to the Gingerman Tavern and sat at the bar with my beer waiting for people to show up. I felt like a bar fly and it was uncomfortable. The next night at the Hideout and smooshed myself into the middle of the dance floor and started dancing by myself in the middle of a sea of people. I tried not to be self concious of not knowing anyone around me but I failed. Lucky for me I eventually saw some familiar faces.

Both nights were nice but on the birthday party scale they were rather ho-hum. And to top it all off, on the first night the lady I had been dating put the final nail in the coffin of our dating-thing. I can't call it a relationship or really a breakup since it was so so-so for most of it, but a comment she made finally put to rest what our laziness and lack of seeing eachother in the past 4 weeks was actually saying. What is odd is that night I had a dream where our "breakup" was actually much more dramatic. In the dream there was crying and dramatic emotional reactions.

On Saturday I went to see Children of Men and it was a good movie. Not quite as good as I was hoping but good nonetheless. On my actual birthday I got a couple of birthday calls and a few birthday texts. The calls were from my parents and my friend Ben who is doing a Second City boat tour. The call from the parents was expected and the call from Ben was a pleasant surprise. It made me feel good because that morning I had been in another one of my "infinite melancholy" moods. I've been dealing with turning ever since I turned 29 so I've had a whole year to prepare for it. I took stock of my life and wasn't generally happy with my lack of ambition acting-wise. I was also thinking about how none of my close friends came out to dance with me the previous night. It kind of hurt. So in the morning I was thinking about how I've got no real hangout friends. No real friends that text me crazy like when the Bears win. No real friends that call just to say hi for no real reason. No friends that lean on me when times are tough. Mostly the feeling that I've got no real close friends to lean on when I'm feeling bad. It's borderline depression. I almost wish I could hit rock bottom so that I can start to climb up and rebuild my life and start feeling better about myself. But I don't want to hit rock bottom. I shouldn't have to hit rock bottom to lift myself up.

So my improvement of my life will have to be a slow process. I need to stop sleeping the weekend mornings away. I need to organize my finances. Maybe get my roomie Tim to help me out; adopt his method of being so organized. I need to get in shape. I need to make my room look like an adult lives there; an adult who at least seems like he's got his shit together. Everyone around me seems to be doing so well; creatively, professionally, relationship-wise, mentally, and physically. I hope that come this time next year I'll have made some giant leaps forward with my life. After all, I don't want to become one of those beaten down people whose dreams have been broken. That's not for me. No way sir.